Don't bet on Mitch McConnell retiring soon. It took him 40 years to reach sexual maturity and it's estimated that he could live for up to 200 years. His constant growth necessitates shedding his scutes, which are made of keratin, every few months.

Mitch McConnell is ectothermic, so he is unable to regulate his own body temperature, meaning he enters a state of brumation during the fall and winter months. This is why he adjourns the senate during the holidays.
Mitch McConnell uses the roof of his mouth to smell, specifically is vomeronasal organ, so when he's standing around with his mouth open in the Senate chambers he is in fact "tasting" his fellow Senators.
While Mitch McConnell has a strong, sharp beak capable of 300 pounds of pressure per square inch, he has no teeth. That means he can effectively rend flesh, but is rendered helpless by a mouth full of popcorn!
Like most testudines, Mitch McConnell has not evolved a strong sense of hearing and can only detect sounds over 60 decibels. He has also never been observed registering whispers, distant speech, or the needs of constituents.
Testudines are thought to have low intelligence, but Mitch McConnell has been observed navigating simple mazes, which puts him at the higher end of the functional spectrum for reptiles.
Mitch McConnell can lay anywhere between 20 to 200 eggs at a time. He digs a hole in soil or sand and deposits his clutch of leathery eggs in a gelatinous, protective goo. The high number is to account for the eggs that will be consumed by predators like Ted Cruz.
During the summer, Mitch McConnell will use his tough nails to dig burrows to hide from the scotching heat of the sun or from the Senate ethics committee.
Though Mitch McConnell is considered quite advanced for a reptile, he has failed the mirror test, so it is not clear whether he is self-aware. It is also worth noting that no reptile has to this point exhibited the capacity for empathy.
Mitch McConnell has security with him at all times to prevent Ted Cruz from rolling him over and feasting on the soft flesh of his underbelly.
Mitch McConnell is elusive as he spends up to 95% of his life underground and less than 1% in his home state.
A young Mitch McConnell in his wilder days.

More from Society

This is a piece I've been thinking about for a long time. One of the most dominant policy ideas in Washington is that policy should, always and everywhere, move parents into paid labor. But what if that's wrong?

My reporting here convinced me that there's no large effect in either direction on labor force participation from child allowances. Canada has a bigger one than either Romney or Biden are considering, and more labor force participation among women.

But what if that wasn't true?

Forcing parents into low-wage, often exploitative, jobs by threatening them and their children with poverty may be counted as a success by some policymakers, but it’s a sign of a society that doesn’t value the most essential forms of labor.

The problem is in the very language we use. If I left my job as a New York Times columnist to care for my 2-year-old son, I’d be described as leaving the labor force. But as much as I adore him, there is no doubt I’d be working harder. I wouldn't have stopped working!

I tried to render conservative objections here fairly. I appreciate that @swinshi talked with me, and I'm sorry I couldn't include everything he said. I'll say I believe I used his strongest arguments, not more speculative ones, in the piece.

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