Don't bet on Mitch McConnell retiring soon. It took him 40 years to reach sexual maturity and it's estimated that he could live for up to 200 years. His constant growth necessitates shedding his scutes, which are made of keratin, every few months.

Mitch McConnell is ectothermic, so he is unable to regulate his own body temperature, meaning he enters a state of brumation during the fall and winter months. This is why he adjourns the senate during the holidays.
Mitch McConnell uses the roof of his mouth to smell, specifically is vomeronasal organ, so when he's standing around with his mouth open in the Senate chambers he is in fact "tasting" his fellow Senators.
While Mitch McConnell has a strong, sharp beak capable of 300 pounds of pressure per square inch, he has no teeth. That means he can effectively rend flesh, but is rendered helpless by a mouth full of popcorn!
Like most testudines, Mitch McConnell has not evolved a strong sense of hearing and can only detect sounds over 60 decibels. He has also never been observed registering whispers, distant speech, or the needs of constituents.
Testudines are thought to have low intelligence, but Mitch McConnell has been observed navigating simple mazes, which puts him at the higher end of the functional spectrum for reptiles.
Mitch McConnell can lay anywhere between 20 to 200 eggs at a time. He digs a hole in soil or sand and deposits his clutch of leathery eggs in a gelatinous, protective goo. The high number is to account for the eggs that will be consumed by predators like Ted Cruz.
During the summer, Mitch McConnell will use his tough nails to dig burrows to hide from the scotching heat of the sun or from the Senate ethics committee.
Though Mitch McConnell is considered quite advanced for a reptile, he has failed the mirror test, so it is not clear whether he is self-aware. It is also worth noting that no reptile has to this point exhibited the capacity for empathy.
Mitch McConnell has security with him at all times to prevent Ted Cruz from rolling him over and feasting on the soft flesh of his underbelly.
Mitch McConnell is elusive as he spends up to 95% of his life underground and less than 1% in his home state.
A young Mitch McConnell in his wilder days.

More from Society

Like most movements, I have learned that the definition of feminism has expanded to include simply treating women like human beings.

(A thread for whoever feels like reading)


I have observed feminists on Twitter advocating for rape victims to be heard, rapists to be held accountable, for people to address the misogyny that is deeply rooted in our culture, and for women to be treated with respect.

To me, very easy things to get behind.

And the amount of pushback they receive for those very basic requests is appalling. I see men trip over themselves to defend rape and rapists and misogyny every chance they get. Some accounts are completely dedicated to harassing women on this site. It’s unhealthy.

Furthermore, I have observed how dedicated these misogynists are by how they treat other men that do not immediately side with them. There is an entire lexicon they have created for men who do not openly treat women with disrespect.

Ex: simp, cuck, white knight, beta

All examples of terms they use to demean a man who respects women.

To paraphrase what a wise man on this app said:

Some men hate women so much, they hate men who don’t hate women

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