yesterday: somewhat viral post about shooting billionaires into the sun (and my stupid "WELL ACTUALLY" reply)
also yesterday: elon musk leaves twitter "for a while" and jeff bezos steps down


elon's gotta be off twitter for a while because they don't have wifi on the SunCrasher 9000, and bezos keeps stealing his phone anyway
elon thought he wouldn't need it because of starlink but THE SATELLITES ARE IN LOW EARTH ORBIT, MUSK, AND YOU'RE HEADED TOWARDS THE SUN
bill gates is the only one who still has internet access because he remembered to set up a long enough ethernet cable

(although tim cook joked that was just because his WinPhone doesn't have wifi support anyway)
zuckerberg asked if bill gates would let him use the network connection for a while and while billy g was fine with it, it turns out none of the other billionaires brought phones with built in ethernet ports

finally, the win95 phone comes up top!
BTW I have repeatedly made fun of the windows phone in a couple posts recently and I think people might mistake it for actually being serious mockery.
it's not that I think the windows phone is behind iphone and android and that's why I mock it for being 16-color or dial-up or having a full size ethernet port or running windows 95
it's that I wish that all those things were true so I could buy one
anyway, google founders page & brin brought along a server but it turns out the hard drive was damaged on lift off so they have a blank drive. they're gonna need to write new code for it, and where are they gonna find developers 20 million miles towards the sun?
then steve ballmer comes around the corner, chanting
the harddrive was partially encrypted, and gates wrote some BASIC code to unlock it but eric schmidt estimated it'd take too long to decode it. There's only 18 months left in their trip to the sun, and their computer would need to be twice as fast to solve it
that's when Gordon Moore (net worth 9.8 billion) walked in
larry ellison slipped a note to musk saying he figured out a way to get to mars, and to meet him down on the cargo deck.
elongate sneaks down there and there's no database dude to be seen, but there's two people...
"Who are you, what do you do?"
"Hi! I'm John"
"Jacqueline, nice to meet you. We make candy!"
it takes elon a second but he finally gets it, and swears revenge on larry ellison
BTW, amusing thing about John there. The first picture that shows up on forbe's "top billionaires 2020" page and on google images is this one:
while trying to find a better picture of him (or a picture of him with his sister Jacqueline, which apparently doesn't exist) I found that it's a cropped version... and they cropped out THE FUCKING QUEEN
you know you're rich when the first picture of you on google is a picture where they had to crop out someone who rules (well, reigns) over 16 countries.
gonna finally change my profile picture/avatar (I'm too old to use the acronym "pfp") once I can get a picture where I'm talking to the pope, and then crop his holiness out
anyway, to finish connecting some of the billionaires together:
michael dell provided the server that the google trio are using, although it was purchased used off alibaba (thanks Jack Ma)
on the trip they're mainly eating chocolate since giovanni ferrero at least brought plenty of nutella.

bloomberg supposedly had organized purchasing all the food but thanks to a fundamental misunderstanding of the issue, he just ensured that warren buffet was on the ship
lee kun-hee keeps making "suck my koch" jokes to tim cook and then elbowing charles but rupert murdoch explains it's pronounced like "coke"
They did have some entertainment on the trip, at least.
George Lucas brought his VHS tapes and that fortnite guy Tim Sweeny brought a DOS laptop with a copy of ZZT loaded onto it
unfortunately steven spielberg is the only one who brought a VCR and he hasn't talked to Lucas since '81, so all they can really do is look at the VHS covers
gabe newell did bring a top of the line gaming PC, but he forgot to enable offline mode before they left so he can't get any of his steam games to load
my favorite thing about this forbes billionaire list is when you get to someone who has their (money) "source" listed as just "cheese"
ahh, there must be a bug there, it's loading the wrong name. lemme fix it real quick... yeah.
it must get confusing because they'd got Eric Schmidt (former google CEO) and Eric Smidt (CEO of Harbor Freight) on the same spaceship
that wasn't the only name confusion by far.
One of the Waltons went up to the founder of the Allegis talent agency and told him how much they loved his work, and he had meekly to explain that he wasn't THAT Jim Davis.
forbes why did you have to put an advert in between these two billionaires
does peter thiel get weaker the closer they get to the sun?

and we all know what he spent his cargo allowance on: a coffin filled with the earth from his home country.
although that brings up a vampire mythology question:
if you're a vampire who needs to sleep on earth from your home country, what if the country you were born in no longer exists?
Peter Thiel was born in West Germany.
Now you can argue that yes, modern Germany is just the continuation of West Germany, because legally it is, but what if he was from East Germany, or, like, Czechoslovakia?
maybe it needs to be dirt that was collected back when that country still exists.
So he's got to find some dirt from prior to german unification
Ted Turner did actually get to take along a set of DVDs and a DVD player but sadly only a B&W TV so he's refusing to watch anything on principle.
I like how the profile for Steve Case doesn't even mention AMERICA ONLINE which is the only reason most geeks even know who he is
(and yes, it's That Steve Case. He's a billionaire!)
oh hey, they've got a kryptonian on board!
Don't they know that he will only be powered up by earth's yellow sun?
anyway, yesterday's billionaires post was this:
and my WELL ACTUALLY response was here:
with the key take-away being this:
besides, clearly I'm suggesting with this thread that we make a reality TV show where billionaires are loaded into a spaceship and we watch them
if we vote one of them out the airlock every week, the show can run for 40 years according to the Forbes 2020 list.
although I'm still wondering on the vampire thing
even if we assume that countries don't matter and you just need it from the general sort of area you were born in, what if that area isn't really there anymore? like, what if it is underwater?
if you dredge up the silt from the bottom of a man-made lake or swim down and dig up some dirt from what used to be an island before the sea levels rose, does it still count as "earth from your home country"?
maybe this is why we never see any atlantis vampires.
they just can't get the dirt
maybe global warming is a long-term plot by the werewolves to finally win the war
a couple centuries from now there's gonna be a bunch of werewolves living on top of mt. everest, drinking tropical cocktails with their yeti friends.

the last vampire is dead. the galaxy is finally at peace.
if a werewolf bites a yeti, do they turn into a werewolf on the full moon?
would they even notice?
"yeah, doc, about once a month I get slightly hairier and feel like howling at the moon. Weird, right?"
maybe it'd work backwards because of how werewolves are on the other side of the hairy-hominid spectrum.

every full moon, the wereyeti shrinks and loses their hair, becoming a human guy named gary
all the wereyeti become a guy named gary.

it's one of the great mysteries of cryptozoology
once every thousand years one will be born who turns into someone named garry or garrison but they are always sterile, and their mutation can't be passed down
anyway your challenge, fiction writers, is to figure out a way that the lack of a "home soil" country is actually a power-up for vampires.
like maybe they can only be truly killed by burying them in their home country?
so if you kill an american vampire, that's easy mode.
go dig a hole in charlotte, NC and stuff them in there, and they're never coming back
west german vampires? slightly trickier, but you just need to make sure it's on a part of modern germany that was west germany.
then you've got vampires from like, Kashmir, and that's way more complicated.
and burying a vampire from a now-underwater island is very tricky. you need lead weights (although silver is preferred for obvious reasons, although that can attract treasure-hunters who might unbury them) to hold down the coffin under the ocean/lake/whatever
and the ultimate threats are vampires from, like, Atlantis or Lemuria or the land of Mu.
They're underwater AND you don't know where the fuck to dig!

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