Why I Don't Open Up to the People I Love About My Depression

We know something’s wrong! We want to help! We love you! Why can’t you open up to us?”

Because I’m ashamed at how weak I feel.

Because if I expose that weakness to you, you might end up ashamed of me, too.

1/x

I’ve put together my list of top 10 tips for early career researchers and I’m going to share it here as promised. But first a disclaimer...I don’t know everything. This list is based on my experience in academia. I would love for others to add and augment. With that in mind....🧵

1: Decide what you want your LIFE to be. This career could consume you completely if you let it, but it won’t always love you. Focus on the other things in your life that bring you joy and fulfillment and cultivate those just as much as you cultivate your research career.

2: Decide what you want your CAREER to be. What are your values? What are you in this for? There will be hard times. But knowing your values and what success means to you can help guide you through them.

3: Decide whose opinions really matter to you. Mastery requires feedback and you will get a lot of it, some useful some less so. Identify the small circle of people you can really trust to give it to you straight. This includes forming a no committee.

4: People are people are people. Don’t be afraid to email someone about a postdoc or job or grant idea. We’ve all been there. Some people are not generous people. This is good information to have. Move on to other colleagues and mentors if you encounter these people.

The most interesting people defy categorization

Live an interesting enough life, and you’ll never be easy to describe

Manipulation Sign:

If you are compromising too much, there is a chance that you are getting manipulated.

Why are you the one that's always compromising?

How come the other person always gets their way?

Be more curious.

If something seems off, stick up for yourself.

'Wait, you sure I am being manipulated?'

I have no clue, that is only something that you can decide for yourself.

'Dang is there anything I need to look out for?'

Plenty..

But let me give you a few things to look out for.

👇

I see manipulation as skillfully controlling someone's behavior for egotistical or unethical purposes.

'How come people don't leave when it's happening to them?'

Because most people have 0 clue that they are being manipulated.

1. Guilt Trip

You ever made a mistake around someone, only for them to hold it over your head?

The will always bring up the mistake when you 2 are not seeing eye to eye.

These people will use that mistake as leverage to get what they want from you in the future.

Look out.

2. The Rationalizer

This person will commit the worst acts & find a way to rationalize it.

Example: cheaters when they get caught.

They have every excuse in the book for why they did it.

Heck, they are so good at rationalizing, they will make it seem like your fault.

Y’all... please check on your kids, they might not be okay.

My husband and I had no clue that a major crisis was coming for our 14 year old. She was so good at faking “okay” that we were totally blindsided.

I’m apprehensive about sharing all of this, but other parents

1/15

might need to see this and talk to their kids.

To make a long story as short as possible:

On Jan 13th, I came home from work to find my 14 yr old unconscious in a pile of vomit. Thought maybe it was the flu or something at first.

I got her into a bath to clean up and

2/15

she was incoherent, slurring her speech, and not really in control of her body. I put it together and realized she was drunk.

She had never done anything like that. Ever. She then started babbling about being so lonely and wanting to go to sleep and not wake up.

3/15

My heart and stomach dropped.

We took her to the ER for alcohol poisoning and told the triage nurse what she’d been drunkenly mumbling about.

It took almost 24 hours to get her BAL back to normal, then she was transferred to a psychiatric hospital.

4/15

They kept her for 6 days, and we weren’t allowed to see her. Just one 10 minute phone call per day.

They started her on two medications for depression, anxiety, and sleep. She seems to be feeling a bit better since coming home, and now knows that she needs to talk

5/15

Dear Jaime,

3 years ago your voice was silenced. I sent you and your brother to school to safely learn. I rushed you out the door that morning never expecting what would happen next. A school shooting!!! You were 14 and only a freshman in High School.

(1,11)

(2,11) Your brother Jesse survived…you did not.

You are on my mind every second of every minute of every day. I constantly relive your last seconds in my mind. Did you suffer? I will never know, but I fear that you did. Did I do enough to protect you?

(3,11) The answer is… No!!! I did not… and for that I will carry guilt for the rest of my life. My voice was not fighting the evil of gun violence before it was my daughter and for that I am sorry.

Today you should be a senior in school. We should be celebrating love.

(4,11) We should be looking at your senior pictures with you, watching you excitedly apply to colleges and helping you decide where to go. We should be excitedly looking forward to prom and I should be thinking about the advice I want to give you at graduation.

(5,11) While I am so happy to see all of your friends have these experiences, it breaks my soul to know that you are not part of that. Mom, Jesse and I won’t be able to watch you experience this with them. Every time I see posts with senior photos and college acceptances,