Now many readers have asked me over the years "how do I (with my great hair) go about fleeing a gothic house?"

That's a very good question, because it's not as easy as it seems...

There are of course many gothic domiciles that women with great hair can flee from:
- a house
- a mansion
- a castle
- a chateau
More adventurous gothic heroines can also choose to flee:
- a manor
- a keep
- a graveyard
- some dark foggy towers
As gothic houses come in all shapes and sizes you may come across the following things which require fleeing:
- Strangers (call a taxi)
- Tombs (walk to the nearest exit)
- Hell (fleeing recommended)
- Darkest Death (head start required)
There are some items that are a clear giveaway that you are in, or near, a gothic house that requires fleeing. Look around you and see if you can spot:
- sarcophagi
- crucibles (unless in a chemistry lab)
- anemones
- any form of ides
Given the above you may want to work up gradually to fleeing a gothic house. Try fleeing the following first to build up your skills:
- clouds
- plants
- insects
- unexpected wine stains
If gothic houses aren't your thing you can always flee (with great hair) a range of animals instead:
- crows
- cats
- an elephant
- 400 rabbits
Gothic house fleeing is a worldwide hobby so feel free to run away from any abodes you find in the following locations:
- München
- Venetzia
- Hawai'i
- Canada
Despite what you may think it doesn't matter what you wear to flee a gothic house; what matters is how you wear it:
- is your hair wind-blown enough?
- is your dress billowing correctly?
- do you look sufficiently haunted?
- did you leave one light on before you fled?
Finally please remember the following before you flee your gothic house:
- dress lightly
- avoid disturbing the neighbours
- don't stop to chat
- remember to write and say 'thank you' to the host afterwards
Congratulations! You're now ready to flee your first gothic house. Don't forget to play some Kate Bush first to get you in the mood!

More pulp advice another time...

More from Pulp Librarian

More from Culture

I'm going to do two history threads on Ethiopia, one on its ancient history, one on its modern story (1800 to today). 🇪🇹

I'll begin with the ancient history ... and it goes way back. Because modern humans - and before that, the ancestors of humans - almost certainly originated in Ethiopia. 🇪🇹 (sub-thread):


The first likely historical reference to Ethiopia is ancient Egyptian records of trade expeditions to the "Land of Punt" in search of gold, ebony, ivory, incense, and wild animals, starting in c 2500 BC 🇪🇹


Ethiopians themselves believe that the Queen of Sheba, who visited Israel's King Solomon in the Bible (c 950 BC), came from Ethiopia (not Yemen, as others believe). Here she is meeting Solomon in a stain-glassed window in Addis Ababa's Holy Trinity Church. 🇪🇹


References to the Queen of Sheba are everywhere in Ethiopia. The national airline's frequent flier miles are even called "ShebaMiles". 🇪🇹

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