You wake up in a dark room. There is a door to your left, a…

You found a wooden sword. You equip it. It smells moldy and low damagey.

You walk through the left door, and into a cavernous room with columns as wide as a large man.

There's also a large man, in a cloak. "Who goes there??" He asks

You say:

"It's just me, chill yo" you say and do a deuce sign with your hand.

"Oh shit I couldn't tell, it's so dark and cinematic in here" he replies. He offers up a chalice.

"I'm Tim, you must be the player character. Wanna drink some magic juice?" he asks.

You chug-a-lug the dragon jizz or whatever the fuck, leaving none for Tim.

"Damn boy you are thirsty lol" says Tim, laughing out loud. "Turn that cup over for a surprise"

You turn it over and notice the base has three buttons that let you choose the magic power you get.

"I CHOOSE INVISIBILITY!" you shout, startling Tim. You then remember it's button-based, so you press the button, ashamed.

Tim says "You just press the button. You don't yell the power out loud." He sounds disappointed.

You respond:

You turn invisible. Tim stares awkwardly for a minute, then sits down like a shitty Skyrim character and puts on a shirt that says "you can't interact with me anymore"

There is another door to the left labeled KEEP OUT.

"You good Tim?"

Tim weeps, for he has run out of dialogue options.

"I'm sorry, Tim. I'm sorry I didn't say the right things, to keep you talking. I wish I could go back, and perhaps befriend you, but I chose the wrong things to say and now you are silent and sad. I hope you one day forgive me, Tim"

Tim de-spawns in front of you. He is gone.

You go left through the door labeled KEEP OUT, and enter a hallway lit with candles.

10 feet ahead of you, a goblin with a spear jabs at the air angrily. "Who the fuck opened the door that says KEEP OUT??"

You remember that you are still invisible.

You reply

After a close 3-way vote inside your brain, you sneak past the goblin.

The goblin spends the rest of his life questioning his sanity and drinking a lot (and goblins live a thousand years so it's even more fucked up)

At the end of the hall you find two doors, one green, one red.

You try to enter the green door but it's actually not real, it's a painting of a door on the wall probably designed to trick you into running into it or something. These halls are truly cursed.

You open the red door, and start to enter the room until you realize it's not a room but the opening to a huge cavern full of fiery chasms and spikes and shit.

Your invisibility turns off because you ran out of mana I guess

Paths to the left and right, a rope drops into a pit.

You slide down the rope and suffer severe friction burns, because I forgot to mention you've been naked this whole time.

Your health is now low, and what's worse, unmistakable boss fight music starts to play!

The rope falls down behind you.

There is thick fog ahead of you.

You cry for 3 hours which is understandable.

You are about to do more crying when an apparition appears. It's Tim! He floats in front of you.

"It's me, Tim Cruise"

"I knew it was you, but I didn't know your whole name."

"Yeah. Sorry to interrupt the crying."

You reply:

"I wasn't crying" you reply, "my eyeballs have a rare disease and they just do that sometimes"

"Wow that sucks" says Tim. He pulls out a potion. "Perhaps this health potion will help your shitty leaky eyeballs".

He hands it to you and you drink it, restoring your HP.

You say:

"How do I beat the boss?"

"The boss is a big dragon, you have to hit him with your sword a bunch. Also your armor level is zero, let's get you fixed up"

Tim removes his cloak and underwear and puts them on you.

Tim quietly says "btw it's OK to cry sometimes" and flies away.

You add the rope to your inventory, and move forward into the fog.

The boss fight music grows ever louder, and now there's some cool drums intermixed too. You must be getting close.

You start to think about your life, in particular the time you

You reflect on seeing Tim disrobe in front of you. The kindness in his eyes, as he took off his tighty whities and put them on you, still warm.

Tim Cruise, your only friend. Is he up there watching over you? Is he dead? Who knows?

You exit the fog and see a dragon, asleep.

You quickly move to tie up the dragon, but only have enough rope to tie its feet together. The dragon wakes up with a mighty roar and his mouth smells like garbage so you puke all over the ground.

"WHO DARES AWAKE THE FINAL BOSS DRAGON?" he bellows. The music is really cool now

You clear your throat and make your pitch:

"You're a bigass dragon, and I'm a guy with a sword soooooooo"

You shrug. The dragon considers what you've said, and eventually agrees that this all makes sense. He lunges toward you and bites off your left arm.

You use CRY, and it is not effective. The dragon bites off your other arm and throws your sword across the room. Your HP is at 1 and your arms are at 0.

Suddenly Tim appears.

"Watch out, he's got an eye infection"

The dragon stares blankly. "the fuck did you say"

You reply

"He's right!" you cry while crying.

"I'm manly man who never cries but my eyeballs are sick and gross, and highly contagious. They are full of pus that looks like tears but it's not tears because I have never cried before"

The dragon lurches back, then turns and starts to flee.

You squirt weaponized sadness at the beast.

"AW FUCK EWW GROSS NOO" yells the dragon, as it begins to run. But its feet are tied up!

"Aw SHIT fuck my ass" yells the majestic beast as it trips and falls on your moldy sword, stabbing itself through the heart. You have won.

You

"All roped up and nowhere to go. Sword through the heart and I'm to blame. Looks like... eye killed him."

"Those we're all pretty badass things to say" Tim interjects "but maybe choose one and workshop it. I can help, I'm good at dialogue now"

Which catchphrase do you workshop?

"The eyeball one"

Tim thinks for a moment, then says "I guess looks... CAN kill."

You agree that his catchphrase is better.

Tim Cruise looks at you sadly. "I guess this is goodbye then. Hey... what should we call you when we write legends about this?"

And thus was born the legend of Tim Hanks. The townspeople cheered for him, and built so many statues in his honor that different townspeople got annoyed because there were too many statues.

Tim Hanks went on to do many more adventures, and also his arms grew back.

The End.

You wake up in a dark room. There is a door to your left, a door to your right, and a chest.

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