BC LIFE
Saved by @Alex1Powell

THREAD: Of course right now I am totally questioning what my role in this world is. I don’t even know me. I have spent my young adulthood into my 40’s being a mom. Still a mom...but I literally have no identity.

Can’t relate to ppl my age with kids.

 Can’t relate to ppl my age because they’re in chill mode, having sewn their wild oats while I am trying to figure out who the fuck I am.

In the middle of a pandemic where my social life was abruptly cut off and everything I was experiencing stopped and is now gone.
For example, having come out in late jan...meeting new people...learning about my sexuality. My sexuality was stifled due to being brought up with religion. Learning what my kinks were, without sex! Meeting like minded people...

In less than a month it was gone.
I feel like I’m not even me. I feel like I’m an outsider looking in.

Questioning what the hell I am doing with my life.

Frustrated. Lonely. Unsure of a lot.
And now I am wanting to completely gut GlitteryFab on every social media platform despite a fast growing base, why???? Because I’m tired of people just focusing on my aesthetics. My facial beauty. Or because I’m “thicc”. And also because it just seems rather shallow.
I want more than this. I’m not some shallow makeup obsessed airhead. I’m a 42 year old who feels like she’s been stuck at 24 for years because she spent those years raising a child.

But what?? I don’t know. I have no direction.
I’m still in the middle of my medical auditing course which I have put on hold til further notice because my brain cannot handle it at the moment.

I work FT, and from after my birthday all the way til just as soon as last week, my attitude has been shut.
My CWers even noticed it and people expressed their concern for me. It is appreciated but I needed to know that they were really that concerned because I didn’t realize just how bad it had gotten
I have been drinking alcohol and consuming cannabis on the regular since my bday. I have tried my hardest to push all this pain to the side and suck it up and go on for my son, for my father. But the thoughts are and have always been there.
Usually with continued medical care and therapy eventually it gets better, but we are in the middle of a pandemic where everyone is isolated. So no, right now I feel like I’m fighting a demon and the demon (depression) is winning.
My doctor recommended either ketamine therapy (which is not covered by insurance), or go the old school route of a form of electroshock therapy (TMS). The latter is a last resort thing. But my meds aren’t working for them, and my doc knows we can’t keep changing it
It took me a long time to find a suitable psychiatrist who wasn’t going to push meds down my throat, and would introduce as needed, etc.

But we are stalemated. And half of me just doesn’t care anymore. Hence, the suicidal thoughts.
I feel like there are two sides of me:

Side 1: The tired one who is sick of people relying on her, or the fact that she has to go on despite the pain that will never heal...because she will destroy lives if she succeeds in her attempt to end her life...
Side 2: fighting like hell. Knowing her people need her. Knowing she has been through and has overcome a lot.

Side 1 is stronger than 2 , and every day this isolation shit seeps in my mind, side 1 grows stronger as side 2 is caving.
Something that is a very real possibility is that I will never see my family again. Physically. My parents are in their 60’s but my mom is very sick.

This realization is just eating at me.
My son doesn’t need me anymore. We barely talk. I’m left to my own devices. There is no one here physically. So...to say I am lonely is a major understatement.

I’m used to being busy with volunteering with his drum corps, keeping myself busy with that...nothing.
Everything is gone.

All facets of life we had prior to March are now gone. Almost 300k people are GONE. My uncle being one of them.

What the fuck. This life is so fucked up.

I’m tired and I don’t want to keep going on with this, but side 2 is trying to push through.
@threadreaderapp unroll

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These are EXACTLY the questions we should all be asking ourselves right now. Studies have shown that no 'type' of person is immune to radicalization or falling prey to cults or cult-think. There's no such thing as being "too smart" for that.

So, for starters, many of us were just in the right place and the right time, and didn't get radicalized. That is an important realization. It's important because as we begin to try to de-radicalize our friends, family and "good people" who fell prey to white supremacist thought

We need to start with compassion, or they will just shut down. Understanding deeply that it can happen to anyone is a big part of that. Now let's talk those who were primed for it, more likely to fall into conspiracy thinking and the Q cult.

In this case, those white people who see the movement towards equality for everyone as white people losing (which is true in a way, we have to give back much of the privilege we obtained from those who took it by force or manipulation) were much more susceptible to the rhetoric.
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N8\U0001f451
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// Thread //


O𝚋̲𝚜̲𝚎̲𝚛̲𝚟̲𝚎̲ Y𝚘̲𝚞̲𝚛̲ T𝚑̲𝚘̲𝚞̲𝚐̲𝚑̲𝚝̲𝚜̲

Your mind is a room and your thoughts are a window.

When you think it is as you look into your room of thoughts.

Pay attention to what goes on, learn your mental triggers. Pay attention to how you respond to situations

Continued..

Your thoughts are not always to be believed.

You thoughts come and go like a car going through a car wash.

One in, one out. Depending on how long you want to wash the car depends on how long the thought stays.

Observe your thoughts with no judgement


L𝚒̲𝚟̲𝚎̲ 𝚒̲𝚗̲ T𝚑̲𝚎̲ P𝚛̲𝚎̲𝚜̲𝚎̲𝚗̲𝚝̲

Understand where you are in your reality at all times

Think about the description of thing to the left of you:

-What color is it?
-What shape is it?
-How big is it?
-What is its function?
-Why is it built that way?

Continued..

Why is this healthy? Because it releases your thoughts into your present objective reality.

Knowing that you are there is a good way to stop thoughts because then you start to live. 👽
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