Back when I went to Bishop’s University, I managed the student radio station, CJMQ. When I started, it was kind of a pirate station. We had an illegal antenna on a roof, and a couple of residences could get us through the radiators somehow. Nowhere to go but up.

Happily, it was 1993. Pump Up the Volume made it cool to be a DJ. Grunge and indie were huge. We went from, like, 12 DJs to 100 and started acting like a real radio station. God, it was awesome. It was like we were on a quest. It felt like a real crusade.
Eventually we decided to try to get an FM licence. This was no easy feat. The bureaucracy was maddening. It cost a lot. We needed to find a proper tower. Long story short, after two years of solid effort, everything came together: CJMQ was awarded 88.9 on your FM dial.
We were going to launch one blissful night in 1995. I planned a massive party and woke up the morning of, not quite believing we’d finally made it. I went to say good morning to my roommate, David, and… Not a single sound came out of my mouth. Not even a whisper.
I had completely and utterly lost my voice. OH GOD NO. I raced to the pharmacy and scribbled a note to the pharmacist: “I’ve lost my voice, and I really need my voice.” She nodded and retrieved two suppositories. They were each the size of large-caliber artillery shells.
I looked at her and wrote: “I don’t talk out of my ass.” She assured me that the fastest way to get the necessary medicine was through my rectum. Years later, I butt chugged vodka—that’s another story: no—but at the time, I was unfamiliar with anus-based delivery systems.
I went home. First things first: I had no real idea of where my anus was. I mean, I knew the general vicinity. But this was a precision operation. So, I reached back and sort of… poked it like a doorbell, I guess? I got the sense that my anus was reluctant to receive visitors.
But the pharmacist said I really had to get the suppository up there, so I lay down on the bathroom floor, on my side, to give myself better purchase. I took the suppository, reached back, and mashed it up my ass. It was like trying to push a big pill down a small cat’s throat.
The situation seemed stable. I got to my knees, rose slowly to my feet, bent down to pull up my pants… And that fucking thing shot out of me with the exit velocity of a rocket. I kid you not, it flew into the tub and ricocheted around like a bullet. It made “ping” sounds.
Oh no. Now what? I collected the hot, mangled suppository, returned to the floor, and kind of smeared it onto my bunghole, like I was trying to grease a tiny Bundt pan. And then I lay there for an hour, hoping I was somehow absorbing enough of it to give me back my voice.
Sure enough, at school later that afternoon, I could talk. Not perfectly, but well enough that I didn’t use the second suppository. We launched. I cried like a baby, thanking the DJs. I loved them so much. And then my raspy, croaky voice was the first sound heard on CJMQ FM.
A little while later, one of the DJs, a sweet girl named Kristy, lost her voice, too. She had her first FM shift, and she came into the station’s office in a total panic. I asked her to hang on a second, and I began rummaging through my desk. I told her I had just the thing.

More from For later read

The #worldwildlifeday2021 theme is Forests and Livelihoods: Sustaining People and Planet aligning with UN Sustainable Development Goals 1, 12, 13 and 15. So, what are the UN Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) & how can children begin to learn about them & get involved ?

https://t.co/8ICvHxE9QL is easy & fun to follow for our smallest of people #EYFS. Early childhood is the perfect stage to introduce the core concepts of what it means to be a global citizen. For our reception & KS1 children please take a look at this fabulous free resource

https://t.co/tZx8UIS58Q Storytelling is a powerful communications tool and helps children remember lessons and virtues that they will use in everyday life. The idea is to simplify the lessons of the (SDGs) so young children can relate to – and better understand – the SDGs.

For older children here’s a board game that aims to help teach children around the world about the Sustainable Development Goals in a simple and child-friendly way

This is a lovely free book for children to enjoy flicking through themselves https://t.co/ScMbQCfpjl Elyx, the United Nations’ digital ambassador, uses various expressions and actions to help demonstrate the meaning of each Sustainable Development Goal.

You May Also Like