This whole thread.

It has made me think through multiple conflicts I have had at work and how "real talk" basically shuts down management.

Like when I was drowning in work, asking for help, and my boss asked me point blank if I wanted to quit and why didn't I ask for help.

I showed her the emails and call logs where I did.
She shut down and walked away.
Or the time a project was going off the rails and I asked my team lead for help.

I explained everything I did so far and was looking for direction on what else to do.

And he said, "I don't want this time to be just you complaining."
So I stopped telling him anything negative.
He prided himself on being from the East Coast and harsh.

He could dish it but not take it.
Or the time I was taken aside by management and told to stop telling new hires their rights and the state laws around time keeping.
Or the time I yelled at a colleague because they were touching my experiment that had failed with their bare hands.

Yes, it was sugar. But still the machine was still running and by touching it they had contaminated it and I could no longer rescue it.
And I think about how my mom taught me to basically work around management.

How a colleague saw how frustrated I was and taught me, "toot! toot! and salute." Or point out an error/issue twice and on the third time just do what management says but document you tried to stop it.
And this right here I think is the issue:

https://t.co/2FH906eU3j
Like the time I showed my management how much I was underpaid in the team and across the university only to be told by her:

"I know I can look up anyone's pay but I don't because it makes me sad."
White people, we have a problem. And it is not being able to deal with conflict in really ANY way.

We seem to have two modes, avoid at all costs, or explode.
And explode can be in anger or it can be in tears.

Tears weaponized to shut everything down.
Because we can't deal with conflict so we just make it so there is no conflict.

By ignoring it or throughly destroying it so there is no longer remnants of conflict.
And that is just not reasonable or sustainable.

We have only gotten away with it because of white supremacy. We control it all so we say what fights are worth it and what should just be forgotten.

And anything that makes us look bad is to be forgotten.
And that is complete and utter bullshit.

We can't get better because we refuse to see how we can be better people. We refuse to learn because that means we were wrong and the rules we impose were wrong.
And we need to learn:

Learn to admit we are wrong.

Learn to listen.

Learn to apologize sincerely.

Learn how to not be complete and utter fucking asshats.

More from For later read

I should mention, this is why I keep talking about this. Because I know so many people who legally CAN'T.

How do I know they have NDAs, if they can't talk legally about them? Because they trusted me with their secrets... after I said something. That's how they knew I was safe.


Some of the people who have reached out to me privately have been sitting with the pain of what happened to them and the regret that they signed for YEARS. But at the time, it didn't seem like they had any other option BUT to sign.

I do not blame *anyone* for signing an NDA, especially when it's attached to a financial lifeline. When you feel like your family's wellbeing is at stake, you'll do anything -- even sign away your own voice -- to provide for them. That's not a "choice"; that's survival.

And yes, many of the people whose stories I now know were pressured into signing an NDA by my husband's ex-employer. Some of whom I *never* would have guessed. People I thought "left well." Turns out, they've just been *very* good at abiding by the terms of their NDA.

(And others who have reached out had similar experiences with other Christian orgs. Turns out abuse, and the use of NDAs to cover up that abuse, is rampant in a LOT of places.)

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