If our definition of sex is he puts P into her V and moves around until he climaxes, then do you notice something?
Her experience is merely a side issue. It's an extra, but not the MAIN THING. He's doing the moving; he's doing the climaxing. She's merely THERE.
She could be lying there making a grocery list in her head; she could be in emotional turmoil; she could even be in pain; and it would still count as "having sex."
He gets to climax; if she does, it's a bonus, but not necessary to our definition. Her mere presence is.
Let's talk about the orgasm gap. For our book The Great Sex Rescue, we surveyed 20,000 predominantly Christian women, and found that roughly 48% reach orgasm almost always or always during a sexual encounter. Studies show that the equivalent figure for men is around 95%.
We have a 47 point orgasm gap. When we ask "did you have sex?", and we mean "did you have intercourse?", what we're really asking is, "did he have an orgasm?" That's the only thing that's pretty much guaranteed.
Even among women who CAN reach orgasm, only about 39% do so through intercourse alone. Most need a lot of foreplay, and most find other routes to orgasm more reliable. And the #1 reason women don't reach orgasm? Lack of foreplay.
Christians feel that sex is intrinsic to marriage (most people do, actually). Withholding sex is a sin. But what happens when we talk about sex as merely intercourse? We prioritize his route to orgasm, and ignore hers.
And how do evangelical books talk about this?
Love & Respect, the second biggest best-selling marriage book for the last 15 years, says that sex is a need husbands have that women don't, and that sex is all about a husband's "physical release." In fact, he'll come under satanic attack without orgasm.
But it NEVER ONCE even mentions that women can feel pleasure. In fact, it says one of the benefits of sex is that it takes "so little time."
For Women Only tells women that men's need in the sex department is to feel that their wives are emotionally engaged and enthusiastic.
So it's important to reassure & affirm your husband during sex, even if you can't physically respond. She says if you're not feeling pleasure you should see a counselor, even though a better tip is likely to ask your husband to find the clitoris.
Let's picture a couple going into marriage counseling with a pastor or counselor. They're asked, "how often do you have sex?" The couple answers, "2-3 times a week." Okay, then. That's a sexually active couple! Yay!
But hold on a second.
16% of the women in our survey said their primary emotion after sex is feeling used. No intercourse may be worse for HIM. But a marriage WITH intercourse where she doesn't orgasm & she feels used is worse for HER. But we only count one as being indicative of a bad marriage.
The Bible's definition of sex is quite different. The Bible talks about sex as an intimate KNOWING--"Adam KNEW his wife Eve" (Gen. 4). It's PLEASURABLE for both (Song of Solomon). And it's completely MUTUAL (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). Biblical sex is MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE.
With this definition, 1-sided intercourse wouldn't count. It would be a red flag that something's wrong.
In The Great Sex Rescue, we recommend using 2 different words. Use intercourse for a one-sided encounter, and use sex for something MUTUAL, INTIMATE & PLEASURABLE for both.
Now we know that women can have difficulty reaching orgasm (and we have tons about WHY in our book), but that should at least be a couple's ultimate goal. It shouldn't be ignored. No, orgasm isn't necessary all the time, but her experience does need to matter.
Because if a couple has sex twice a week for 10 years and she feels used and never orgasms--she's ALREADY BEING DEPRIVED.
And that should matter.
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