so my eldest brother, who is a moron, has been playing soldier with his moron friends in the deserts of texas for the last year preparing for the collapse of civilization if biden won (lol). they were burying food and ammo stashes out in the desert, running drills, crazy stuff

this included getting a cb license so he could be their lifeline to other groups of white idiots when the cell towers all went offline. wouldn't want to violate federal law while communicating with your resistance groups after the fall of the federal government i guess.

anyways, you would assume given that they've been prepping for the end of the world for at least a year they're well situated to ride out the rolling blackouts right?

wellll

their plan for cooking and heating during an extended power outage was natural gas, but like a lot of homes their gas service is out. the food in their freezer and fridge is already toast due to the power outrages, so they're down to canned stuff, but there's a catch.

they can get into the pull top cans just fine, but the ones that require an opener? their only can opener is electric. so a good 3/4 of his canned food store is inaccessible to him unless he goes after it with a knife, which i sincerely hope he does.

Don't bet on Mitch McConnell retiring soon. It took him 40 years to reach sexual maturity and it's estimated that he could live for up to 200 years. His constant growth necessitates shedding his scutes, which are made of keratin, every few months.

Mitch McConnell is ectothermic, so he is unable to regulate his own body temperature, meaning he enters a state of brumation during the fall and winter months. This is why he adjourns the senate during the holidays.

Mitch McConnell uses the roof of his mouth to smell, specifically is vomeronasal organ, so when he's standing around with his mouth open in the Senate chambers he is in fact "tasting" his fellow Senators.

While Mitch McConnell has a strong, sharp beak capable of 300 pounds of pressure per square inch, he has no teeth. That means he can effectively rend flesh, but is rendered helpless by a mouth full of popcorn!

Like most testudines, Mitch McConnell has not evolved a strong sense of hearing and can only detect sounds over 60 decibels. He has also never been observed registering whispers, distant speech, or the needs of constituents.