my 2020 was boring and sad and lasted forever and i lost my…

oh also i had emergency surgery and evacuated my home because of a month of horrific wildfires that burned up the whole canyon and my dad's friend george with it. but that's all

i mean aside from the plague obviously and the getting tear-gassed in my own backyard in my vegetable garden by a gang of jackboot thugs. and every politician i supported losing spectacularly lol

BUT DID I DIE??? NO

that's basically all i did tho, not die. i didn't read any books. i did some silly little crafts that brought me no great joy. i went camping once and tried to make the best of a sad damp social distanced outdoor friendsgiving. i didn't learn anything whatsoever

i wrote to my grandma a lot and delivered my parents their groceries once every 2 weeks like clockwork so they could also not die. i kept my head down and filled out the government paperwork and tried to stay out of everybody's way. i grew 69 lbs of tomatoes and a 73 lbs turkey

i didn't get my nails done or go to a museum. didn't do anything. just hung around. i watched a lot of documentaries about historic estates and castles and wasn't allowed to eat any foods with folic acid for a couple weeks so i gained some weight. i wore sunscreen every day

i got almost everybody i know a nice thoughtful christmas present and i thought a lot about the saints. i thought a lot about mother mary. i didn't drink much or smoke any cigarettes. i bought a pair of shoes too small and stretched them to fit. i washed the dishes

i didn't argue with my relatives on facebook, i didn't argue with anyone on facebook, i didn't use facebook. i didn't break anything of note. i didn't get the knives sharpened or use the spinning wheel. i stained my second best dress with blood

i remembered to go to my dental cleanings and remembered to order hand soap and loose leaf tea and duct tape so brian wouldn't have to. i made menus and cooked from scratch, three meals a day, every single day. roughly 1000 meals

i didn't even instagram most of them tho so it's like i never cooked them at all

i learned the names of a lot of jazz standard songs i'd always liked but didn't know the names of before. i saw a lot of northern flickers, black cap chickadees, red breasted nuthatches, eurasian collared doves, red tail hawks and varied thrushes.

i was kind to my cousins on instagram and helpful to my neighbors when i could be, i gave everybody extra eggs and tomatoes and raspberries. i didn't make fun of people 1/10th as much as i wanted to and i never called the cops

i was unfailingly polite to mister baby

i still sleep in an unfinished attic space lol. i still have great credit but no money. a disreputable wreck of a yard full of tempest tost plastic cigar wrappers. a barren orchard. i keep my chickpeas in buckets outside. i dug a pit and found a miniature bicycle made of wire

in the last dying moments of the last hour of the last day of possibly the last year of the american imperial project i was ordering cave aged bleu cheese online

my carbon footprint was negligible. i ate very little meat i didn't raise myself. i didn't buy fast fashion or paper towels or bottled water or anything from a country being boycotted. my hair is almost down to my waist, my skin is perfect, my right knee absolutely mangled

my worst sin was jealousy and it squatted inside my heart like a toad. it colored the sky. it fell like a constant rain. during the long beet month of the fires and the blood red time after i put my fist in my mouth and bit down on a lump of nothing but jealousy and wax

i began the year in absolute horror of a war with iran and then came spring and horror blossomed up from the ground like a ruptured vessel

i don't like anything really anymore but that's okay too. it isn't written down anywhere you have to enjoy being alive. you can just tolerate it. goodnight