I got distracted making coffee this morning and almost poured the grounds in the water tank. Then after making the coffee, it sat in the machine for an hour and a half because I got focused on something else.
Constant fear and adrenaline fueled "3am the day it's due" starts for assignments in uni, and eventual burnout and dropping out of Uni (I finished with some interesting open learning subjects almost 10 years later, but *only* because I needed a degree for sponsorship).
Self care struggles. I have a missing front tooth because I dental hygiene wasn't something I could persistently manage on my own without prompting. I brush daily now, but that's because my SO makes me right before bed. We do it together.
Same with showering. How do I sit there, saying "I really need a shower", yet don't do it, or sit with headache suffering when I just have to get up walk into the other room and have access to headache relief.
I've lost my job, quit my job before I lost it, or feared losing it too many times, crashed out of one with burnout so bad I just stopped turning up. After 3-6 months, it became a struggle just to keep doing the thing. Best job was incident response. Each day was a clean slate.
But that job came with it's own costs. Running on adrenaline constantly, putting out fires, racing the clock. It was stressful, but interesting. I've known for a long time that interest was a key thing for me. Computers are a long term interest of mine.
I've drifted from job to job, always looking for the next dose of interest, and excitement. I try to create that with side projects, and have done some amazing stuff, but what happens when the side project is more interesting that the job?
That's where the focus goes, the job suffers again. Cycles repeat. I don't even think I need to go into relationships. We've all experienced the stress and strain created there (lazy, forgetful, don't care), esp when we ourselves are not aware of why we just can't do the thing.
I've internalized so much negative self talk about myself, I could fill volumes. It was only last year, through twitter and sharing experiences I could even put a name to the thing that had stalked my life for so long.
I was worried I'd have little to say to the psych, but honestly I think once I get started I won't be able to stop. I haven't even scratched the surface yet.
