For us to get through what needs to happen next, our society and we as individuals need to learn how to accept feedback that our behavior needs change and sit with the discomfort of being wrong.
I see over and over again that people are so uncomfortable with this idea that they

distance themselves from reality when others make complaints. You see them question if you're sure that is what happened, they make excuses and wonder if you maybe interpreted it wrong, or maybe you invited it all because if YOU did something wrong here then they can distance

themselves from the idea that similar abuse might occur to them. Instead we need to be supporting people who are speaking truth to abusers. We need to not tone police them, gaslight them, or diminish their stories. But this is exactly where people go first because they are so

unable to sit with the discomfort of reality. They would rather denial that anything happened at all. Then they are safe from it too.

The problem is that this mechanism provides cover for abusers and gives them the space to abuse. It discourages people from coming forward.

And if you try to talk to an abuser about their behavior they won't hear it either. There will always be something wrong with how you phrase your complaints, purity tests, gaslighting, and further abuse.

But there is a moment between the complaint and the response where a breath