When we’re raised in homes that are stressful, chaotic, unpredictable, or emotionally neglectful— we dissociate.

Dissociation is when we’re physically present, but mentally gone. And struggle with having memories.

Here’s why (🧵):

Our core need is to attach to a parent figure. This allows us to survive.

We also have an internal defense system that’s developing in order to keep us safe.

Think of the defense system as an internal alarm signaling danger.

When a parent figure is shaming, abusive, has rage cycles, or is emotionally neglectful— this creates a conflict between our attachment & defense system.

Our nervous system is activated (to fight, flight, freeze or fawn.)

At the same time, our attachment system needs that connection.

Regardless of a parents behavior, we will always seem to be loved, accepted, and chosen by a parent figure.

This creates an internal conflict.

So, our brain copes with this conflict by dissociating.

It’s a brilliant protection mechanism that allows us to: stay emotionally connected to our parent while also shielding (on a surface level) from what we’re experiencing.

A child who wasn’t able to emotionally develop, becomes the adult who: takes everything personally, is highly defensive, & struggles to voice what they actually feel.

HERE’S WHY (🧵):

Our emotional development happens beginning at birth & through childhood, where we learn: how to identify and regulate our emotions.

Emotional maturity comes from this process.

In order to learn this, we need to be modeled it by a parent figure.

If we’re raised in a home where we are parentified (made to be the emotional caretaker for a parent), where a parent is too busy or overworked, or where a parents rage or emotional instability runs the climate of the home— we don’t get to emotionally develop.

The sole focus becomes staying safe in the environment.

So, we cope with hypervigilance.

Hypervigilance is the attunement to the environment. Meaning, we sense everyone else’s emotions or shift in facial expressions or behavior.

We know when a parents mood is going to shift & how that will impact us, when we might be blamed or shamed, or when a parent might withdraw from us completely (ie: the silent treatment.)