Marie reached out to me today after 2 years, to give me the closure I never got. We talked for a while about our lost baby - lost love. There comes a time in a man's life when you have to look at yourself in the mirror & say, "I need help". I'll get help. I will be a better man.

This is no way for a man to live. You don't go wrecking people who care for you. She was a good woman, who tried her best to help me. I told her I never want her to feel like she was inadequate. I was the problem - still are. I will correct that. I will get help.

As for our little cozy love, I have not known better, and doubt I will. If soulmates ever lived, Marie & I were at the appex. I enjoyed the experience. I never had to work hard at the connection. Should I die today, I am honestly glad I have known a woman's love so soft.

You don't get over it. I have since stopped trying. You learn to live with it, as one of those little secrets that make you smile when life has you by the chokehold: The little pocket in your memory that'll never soil - enduring through seasons. I'll cherish those little moments.

Many lovers will come. Some better than Marie. I have no doubt. They'll be just as genial; possibly, more loving. And I will love them. I will give them my best, and a warm home for our children. But Marie I will never exorcise. She is the abiding truth in my life.

I wish more people understood how important communication is. Let me tell you a story:

In 2018, I went on a rather edifying date. She was funny, laughed like a baby, and had the largest, prettiest set of eyes I am yet to see. We'd been talking over the phone for months prior.

I knew at the time, she was dealing with heartbreak. But so was I. We were both rather cautious - justifiably so. At some point, she started talking about her ex & I encouraged it. I didn't give much in return except mumbling, but in my mind, the sirens came on. "Run! Run! Run!".

I felt she was still clinging on to the ex. I thought, "she is so comfortable talking to me about her ex, she must be committing to the friend zone". Personally, I'd never mention my ex on such a date, even though I was still hurting. I was gauging her communication on my metrics

At that point, I shut down. I stopped listening, made some mental calculations, & determined flight was my best play. I was wary of rejection, & her speaking candidly about her ex in the present tense, felt like a rejection: like she was hoping he'd come back. I felt inadequate.

I escorted her to the bus stage & she was looking into my eyes, not wanting to go, & I really liked her, & I wanted to hug her so bad, but I don't do PDA. It would take some learning. After lingering for a while, she finally left. And now came the next part...

UNCONVENTIONAL EP1:

In October 2018, a man woke up, bid his wife & child a good day, & rushed off to work. He arrived at his work station by 6:15 a.m., was settled by 7:00 a.m, awaiting a meeting at 9:00 a.m. This was not to be, as an hour later, Mumbo jumped to his death.

In April 1992, a young man of immense intellect and rich background woke up, gave all of his $25,000 in savings to charity, burned all the money in his wallet, and marched into the wilderness. Four months later, McCandless's decomposed body was found in the forest.

In 1884, a former successful stockbroker abandoned his family and the opulence of Paris for the prosaic life of Tahiti, an island in the middle of nowhere. He wanted to paint - that was all the reason he gave. Gauguin died alone, of Syphillis & a destitute.

These were people leading normal lives, with normal families. But something in the highway of their existence snapped: Gentlemen, what makes a murderer tick is the question. We won't obsess with the morality of their actions but the inspiration. What makes a man unconventional?

My examination leads me to inertia. Greater than death itself, inertia bleeds you. Seeing the same faces every day: eating the same meals. Same courtesies. Same affectations. Same! Same! Same! For these men, and rightfully so, death was better. They needed more than sustenance.