Just because.

Here's an interesting story about a man you've almost certainly heard of, think you know stuff about, but probably weren't taught any of the good, funny, ludicrous stuff that makes it really interesting.

It's long. You might hate it. I'll take that chance...

In 1588, Spain launched a huge fleet with the aim of overthrowing Elizabeth I and conquering England (sorry Britain, I'm taking about the "it's still just England" era).

At least in part, they did this to stop our pirates from being such a monumental pain in their arse...

As the 130 Spanish ships approached our coast, the English packed our most ancient and decrepit boats with junk, set them on fire, and shoved them into the Spanish lines.

The Armada scattered, and the weather took care of the rest, driving them towards the Dutch coast...

Thus, the great military achievement of the Elizabethan era was settled by a combination of a typical English summer, and an aquatic bin fire.

But somebody had to come out of it a hero, and that somebody was Sir Francis Drake...

The things you know about Drake are practically all false: he didn’t finish his game of bowls before being bothered to defeat the Spanish – that story didn’t appear until some 40 years after the events, and bad weather kept in in Plymouth: not fannying around with ball games...

#TheWeekInTory

1. The govt reduced the UK-wide coronavirus alert level on the advice of the “Joint Biosecurity Centre"

2. Matt Hancock revealed the “Joint Biosecurity Centre” doesn’t exist yet

3. Boris Johnson said he was “very proud” of the UK’s response

4. After previously telling us facemasks were essential, then not essential, then essential, then not essential, then essential, then not essential (6 U-turn) the govt said facemasks were, actually, essential

5. But not until 15th June. 2 weeks more of them being not-essential

6. And then NHS leaders revealed they hadn’t been consulted on any of this

7. The govt announced dentists were returning to work the following day

8. And then dentists said they also hadn’t been consulted about this, or even warned it was happening

9. The govt announced it was relaxing the lockdown nationally, because it said the R level (infectivity rate) had fallen as low as 0.7

10. Within 2 days the R level had risen back above 1 in much of Northern England, but the govt has not reintroduced local lockdowns

11. The gov justified relaxing the lockdown because we would have a “world-beating Test and Trace” in place by 1st June

12. And then the next day, the head of the Test and Trace programme revealed it would not be operational until Sept

Hubei province, where Covid started, has 57m people and cities of 11m

They locked down completely, closed airports, roads, schools, business for 16 weeks, then opened up

Deaths per million:

China: 3.3
UK: 676 and rising

Uk economy fell over 20%
Hubei is growing at 4%...

China locked down within 14 days of the virus being identified.

It took us nearly 3 months, and our airports still remain open.

We had a series of partial, failed lockdowns, messages from govt that lockdowns were anti-British, govt pals being let off with breaches...

Science was ignored. Decisions made late. We were paid to go out and socialise. Schools were threatened with being sued if they closed.

It's highly likely the new strain began here because a virus mutates faster if it has more chances to spread. So we're endangering the world...

The PM missed 5 COBRA meetings when vital decisions should be made. He took 2 weeks off as the virus spread, to deal with his latest divorce.

His advisor broke the rules, lied openly about why, and got away with it. His govt gave £billions in dodgy contracts to mates...

But opted out of cooperation with neighbouring countries tries to buy the desperately needed PPE our health workers were crying out for.

The govt wanted hundreds of millions on unstaffed sheds, as a publicity stunt, while 600+ health workers, lacking PPE, died...

The week in Tory, a thread:

1 Accidentally made it illegal to drive to Wales

2 Made it easier to see other people's parents than your own

3 Issued new advice that was officially ignored by Scotland, Wales, NI, and the councils of Manchester, Liverpool and Newcastle.

4 Admitted there WOULD be a border down the Irish Sea, after a year claiming there wouldn't

5 Said its ok for a child-minder to come into contact with your kids, as long as you "open a window"

6 Published advice that you can car-share, as long as the driver "doesn't look left"

7 Announced £2bn investment, so we could use public transport again

8 Told us it's our "civic duty" to avoid using public transport

9 Announced the PM would make a speech on Sunday, cos it had to be implemented Monday

10 Then, when challenged, said they meant Wednesday

11 Then said we must go to work

12 Then said we must not travel to work

13 Then said it was all explained in the published guidelines

14 Then had it pointed out to them in parliament that they hadn't published guidelines

15 Blamed the public for not understanding the new rules

16 Then went on TV to explain the rules, got them wrong, and had to be corrected by Piers Morgan

17 Then went to parliament to explain the rules, STILL got them wrong, and had to be corrected by the opposition