#Thread

Living with meltdowns.

A personal, very late diagnosed, autistic perspective.

#autism
#AllAutistics
#ActuallyAutistic

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Before my autism diagnosis I had occasional emotional outbursts. These generally happened at home after a sustained period of pressure at school or at work.

When I discovered I was autistic I realised that these were actually what people call meltdowns.

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Getting intensely upset was a bit of a family thing. Sudden shouting and throwing of things, with resumption of peace and calm afterwards, wasn’t that unusual.

In fact we had a kind of mantra that it was much better to express our emotions than to keep them bottled up.

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It was hard to gauge my own emotions against other people’s but by any measure I felt things incredibly intensely.

As a child the injustice of being told off for something that wasn’t my fault burned into me. I sobbed until the tears stang my face and I could hardly breathe.

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But suppressing emotion was necessary for me to survive in the outside world. That’s partly what led to uncontrolled outbursts of feelings at home.

I melted down because there was no justice and I’d been misunderstood. I wasn’t using emotion as some kind of bargaining tool.

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A #thread about #autistic #meltdown. One of the reasons I can suddenly and unexpectedly become overwhelmed is the difficulty I have monitoring how distressed I am. The tipping point when things kilter out of control is as much a surprise to me as it is to other people.
#autism
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Emotional regulation is difficult when I’m not fully aware of how emotions are making me feel, until overwhelmed. And for me the ‘why’ is always important. My mind wrestles with possible explanations for feelings that are strong but confusing.
#AllAutistics
#ActuallyAutistic
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Like many #autistic people I find that past #trauma often intrudes on the present. Analysis and recognition of patterns is how I best understand human behaviour. Something happening now that maps onto ways in which I was bullied previously can be utterly terrifying.
#bullying
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The way I process things as an autistic person means that there’s often a lag in making sense of what’s going on. The thing that completes the picture and tips me into #meltdown can be so slight as to seem ridiculous. The proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back.
#autism
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For me #autistic meltdown is a huge release of energy. A catharsis so intense it sometimes feels unsurvivable. The aftermath is the complete opposite. Total physical and mental exhaustion. Since my #autism diagnosis I’ve become far more analytical about why I was overwhelmed.
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Why I love learning.
Personal reflections from an #ActuallyAutistic perspective.
#ActuallyAutistic
#AllAutistics
#education
#edutwitter
#teaching
#studying
#autistic
#autism
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I realised I loved learning at nursery school. I pressed my painted palms onto sugar paper and slid smooth wooden beads on an abacus. I sat on a vintage tractor in the grounds and marvelled at its mechanics. To learn was to wonder.
#earlyyears
#education
#nursery
#autism
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I loved the fabric of the building. A small human sized door set in a large wooden gate. My coat peg with its sunflower motif. The canvas and metal camp beds we slept on after lunch. Collaborating with my cousin David, who helped do up my buttons, while I tied his shoe laces.
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My memories of primary school are even more vivid. Immersing objects in water, seeing what would float. Making kites out of sticks and paper. Translating shapes on paper into meaning and sound. Planting seeds then scraping back the earth to find red radish globes. Watching.
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One day we made a sorting machine out of index cards with holes in different places threaded onto knitting needles. It would answer questions for us. It was a rudimentary computer. I learned that I could answer questions myself by reading books, or sometimes just by thinking.
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